Building Healthy "Parent - Adult Child" Relationship

Recently, after closely observing few issues in parent-adult child relationship, I was urged to pen this post. Most of us are blessed with most thoughtful and ever-supporting parents and in-laws, yet it is a given that there will be some rough spots between parents and their adult child. I do not see it as lack of love or respect, it is only the way things are handled. I looked at some ways that may help both parents and children improve this important relationship.

For the parents, the change from being the primary influence to something less in the child's life isn't easy. For the adult child, the roles become blurred. Are my parents still authority figures? Friends? Something in between? What about how they interact with my children? My in-laws?

I will start with what children need to understand and strictly follow as it is easier for them to make a start:

1.   In case you are married, it is extremely important to strike a balance between your spouse’s and your parent’s feelings. The root cause of maximum problems is when only one party is favored always. Keep your minds open, learn to take decisions, take responsibility of your actions and draw clear lines.

2.   Be extremely sensitive to your parents’ feelings. They have and are still doing many things for you. If you think that it was their responsibility, then you are fooling yourself. It is their unconditional love which they have always showered on us. I have realized it after being a parent myself. Though they do not expect it, it is our duty to give it back and that too after multiplying it. Be it in terms of love, care, time, finances or just a patient listening ear, think twice before saying a ‘no’.

3.   Stop depending on your parents for finances every now and then.

4.   Be polite and humble while trying to put your point.

5.  Take over some household responsibilities from your parents, they cannot do all of it for lifelong.

6.   Spend quality time together in a relaxed and enjoyable setting, it goes a long way. Plan such outings, movies, dinner frequently with your parents.

What parents need to ponder on:

Love and respect are the most important parts in any relationship. With a healthy dose of each, parents can move past their role as disciplinarian and into their new role as friend and confidant. "Reaching a comfortable adult-to-adult friendship is a growing, changing process, and it's never too late to make new progress."

1.   You’ve spent your life teaching, training and protecting your child; now it’s time to “give him wings.” For many parents, the shift from being the primary influence in a child’s life to releasing him to adulthood isn’t easy. Hopefully you’ve been preparing him for independence from the start. Now that he’s on his own — finding his niche, building a career, marrying, becoming a parent — you’re no longer his authority, but friend. By setting healthy boundaries, you can enjoy this new role, while offering the love, guidance and insight only a parent can provide.

2.   Accept differences. This is probably the most important suggestion and the toughest. Your adult child is not you. As he or she grows life experiences will result in changes that you may not fully approve of. At this stage of the game it isn't your job to approve. It's your responsibility to accept them.

3.   Don't judge. At least not out loud. Obviously, this closely follows the first suggestion. You are no longer judge and jury. The child is looking for approval, acceptance, or at least tolerance for what they have done.

4.   Blending two families can be tricky. If married your child is now part of two families. He or she must attempt to keep two sets of parents happy. That can be quite difficult. Take the high road and don't insist on a perfect balance of time and attention. That will only make things tougher on your child.

5.   Respect new traditions and ways of doing things. The way your adult child and his significant other or family celebrate a holiday, decorate the house, plan their vacations, even dress themselves may not be your way. Remember, it is their way and deserving of your acceptance
6.   Hold on to your money. Financial boundaries are important to establish with adult children. Bailing your child out of financial trouble should be a last resort.

7.   Communication is key. Listen to what your adult child has to say and then ask them what they plan to do next. Listen without judgment or fixing their problem.

8.   Set up boundaries and enforce them. If your adult child is living with you, it is important to set up a list of chores and what they will be contributing financially to the household.

9.   If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. 

With all these you are helping your own child to make his transition from a child to adult smoother and grow as an independent adult who is capable to support his family.

To summarize, I sincerely hope all this and the following (for both parents and adult-child) will help strengthen this beautiful and important relationship.

• Always tell the truth to one another.
• Keep the lines of communication open.
• Be sensitive to each other's feelings.
• Respect one another, despite differences in opinions.
• Do not hold on to the past or judge their decisions. We all make mistakes, and each slip-up provides an opportunity for a life lesson.
• Don't blame one another. Blame is not always necessary and it's often unhelpful.
• Decide that your relationship with your child or parent is more important than most disagreements.  
• Learn good listening skills. This is something that can improve all our relationships, not just with an adult child. Most of us, myself included, are thinking about our answer while the other person is talking. We aren't truly listening to what they have to say.

Finally, decide that a healthy relationship is more important than the disagreements. Do you want to score points and win the argument while losing the war? Accept each other, the acceptance will gain you a much better shot at having the healthy, nurturing, and loving relationship you desire.