Shubh Mangal "Savdhan"

Every father finds the best match possible for his son/daughter or in a love marriage every individual thinks that I have chosen the best life-partner, then why is the marriage failure rate increasing in India?  The figures that exist for our cities and towns show a sharp increase in the last decade or so.  What is it that we are missing or over-looking? Are we taking a hasty or a well-thought decision?

I do not want to focus on factors like urbanization and women being financially and emotionally more strong. 

The main message here is to get into the “Shubh Mangal” with “Savdhani”

This is to try to answer few of these questions and give a friendly advice to all.

1.      The idea is not to blame parents/society for not choosing correct match, but to make society (parents, elders, friends) realize that it is their duty to make their children understand the beautiful yet complicated institution called marriage, let them know beforehand the adjustments and compromises it demands, the patience and love it requires and all the things that should be considered before selecting your mate. As it’s the parents and not the children who have experienced it all already and it’s the most important thing to be shared rather than hide.

  

2.      In Indian tradition, it’s still quite prevalent to force/rush children into marriage. Please re-think what is more important, your child’s lifelong happiness or so-called society’s rules.  

3.      Do the complete scrutiny before getting into the marriage instead of later trying to make it work. Both the boy and the girl need to be educated about the complications, expectations and the sensitivity this institution needs to be handled with. However the society, parents, elder siblings or the friends who know the complete reality as they have gone through this, fail to paint the complete picture beforehand. I would like to take this opportunity to advice this generation to consider below points before saying “I do”

a.       Be it a love or arrange marriage, do not rush into the decision. Do not let any pressure, emotional, social, financial or physical bias your decision. Don’t just depend on people’s word or a single meeting. Your parents have spent entire life teaching you to become independent and have sense of identifying correct things. This is your time to use it and it is your life at stake. So have the courage to stand for yourself.

b.      Give the search ample time, schedule various and not just one face-to-face, online or telephonic meetings with the shortlisted candidates. Convince your parents to give you this time as it will make rest of the life wonderful.

c.        Try to make the discussions fruitful by finding other person’s thinking on all the things that matter after marriage, like social issues, place of family-members, self-dependence, financial stability and independence, ability and freedom to take decisions and responsibility, importance of better-half and his/her immediate family in the other person’s opinion, how flexible or adamant is the nature, degree of socialism and flamboyance, habits including drinking and smoking, talk about the good-ones too, opinion on sexual needs and desire, opinion on working woman, working mom, sharing household-chores.

d.      While making the final choice, accept that no one is perfect or will have all the good qualities one desires. However, knowing above all points and knowing one-self, foresee whether these are the correct conditions and people you would like to spend your remaining life with.

4.      After making the conscious decision, believe that everything will be good. To make the later journey smoother, please consider following points:

a.       Know that changing other people later is not an option, be prepared to change yourself to make things around you beautiful. Read my earlier posts on "positive thinking" and "know what to change” for the same.

b.      Read these effective articles for learning how to be happy even in difficult situations, if they arise even after taking care of all above points:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-and-desire/201105/people-who-cant-control-themselves-control-the-people-around-them

http://www.purposefairy.com/4899/15-powerful-things-happy-people-do-differently/

c.       Please accept your new family and respect the new relations. To all the children, accept it or not, it is your responsibility more, to be humble and fulfill expectations as much as you can.

d.      A humble request to all the parents to help your children save their marriage: Parents of this generation have grown their daughters equally as their son. They have been taught to be self dependent, given equal education and the power of thinking. The question here is when the same set of parents become in-laws, are they giving equal treatment to their daughter-in-law. Please accept that it is you who have made this wonderful change of treating your daughter equal to your son and gave her all that she deserves, and now when she has grown with all that belief and expects the same in her new home and new role; please do not hesitate to give her the same treatment. I am blessed to have in-laws who are liberal and treat me as their daughter, quoting this example here to highlight if its possible for one its possible for all.

Signing off with a hope that this will help someone select correct match and bring a change in the society’s ever-running trend.

Building Healthy "Parent - Adult Child" Relationship

Recently, after closely observing few issues in parent-adult child relationship, I was urged to pen this post. Most of us are blessed with most thoughtful and ever-supporting parents and in-laws, yet it is a given that there will be some rough spots between parents and their adult child. I do not see it as lack of love or respect, it is only the way things are handled. I looked at some ways that may help both parents and children improve this important relationship.

For the parents, the change from being the primary influence to something less in the child's life isn't easy. For the adult child, the roles become blurred. Are my parents still authority figures? Friends? Something in between? What about how they interact with my children? My in-laws?

I will start with what children need to understand and strictly follow as it is easier for them to make a start:

1.   In case you are married, it is extremely important to strike a balance between your spouse’s and your parent’s feelings. The root cause of maximum problems is when only one party is favored always. Keep your minds open, learn to take decisions, take responsibility of your actions and draw clear lines.

2.   Be extremely sensitive to your parents’ feelings. They have and are still doing many things for you. If you think that it was their responsibility, then you are fooling yourself. It is their unconditional love which they have always showered on us. I have realized it after being a parent myself. Though they do not expect it, it is our duty to give it back and that too after multiplying it. Be it in terms of love, care, time, finances or just a patient listening ear, think twice before saying a ‘no’.

3.   Stop depending on your parents for finances every now and then.

4.   Be polite and humble while trying to put your point.

5.  Take over some household responsibilities from your parents, they cannot do all of it for lifelong.

6.   Spend quality time together in a relaxed and enjoyable setting, it goes a long way. Plan such outings, movies, dinner frequently with your parents.

What parents need to ponder on:

Love and respect are the most important parts in any relationship. With a healthy dose of each, parents can move past their role as disciplinarian and into their new role as friend and confidant. "Reaching a comfortable adult-to-adult friendship is a growing, changing process, and it's never too late to make new progress."

1.   You’ve spent your life teaching, training and protecting your child; now it’s time to “give him wings.” For many parents, the shift from being the primary influence in a child’s life to releasing him to adulthood isn’t easy. Hopefully you’ve been preparing him for independence from the start. Now that he’s on his own — finding his niche, building a career, marrying, becoming a parent — you’re no longer his authority, but friend. By setting healthy boundaries, you can enjoy this new role, while offering the love, guidance and insight only a parent can provide.

2.   Accept differences. This is probably the most important suggestion and the toughest. Your adult child is not you. As he or she grows life experiences will result in changes that you may not fully approve of. At this stage of the game it isn't your job to approve. It's your responsibility to accept them.

3.   Don't judge. At least not out loud. Obviously, this closely follows the first suggestion. You are no longer judge and jury. The child is looking for approval, acceptance, or at least tolerance for what they have done.

4.   Blending two families can be tricky. If married your child is now part of two families. He or she must attempt to keep two sets of parents happy. That can be quite difficult. Take the high road and don't insist on a perfect balance of time and attention. That will only make things tougher on your child.

5.   Respect new traditions and ways of doing things. The way your adult child and his significant other or family celebrate a holiday, decorate the house, plan their vacations, even dress themselves may not be your way. Remember, it is their way and deserving of your acceptance
6.   Hold on to your money. Financial boundaries are important to establish with adult children. Bailing your child out of financial trouble should be a last resort.

7.   Communication is key. Listen to what your adult child has to say and then ask them what they plan to do next. Listen without judgment or fixing their problem.

8.   Set up boundaries and enforce them. If your adult child is living with you, it is important to set up a list of chores and what they will be contributing financially to the household.

9.   If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. 

With all these you are helping your own child to make his transition from a child to adult smoother and grow as an independent adult who is capable to support his family.

To summarize, I sincerely hope all this and the following (for both parents and adult-child) will help strengthen this beautiful and important relationship.

• Always tell the truth to one another.
• Keep the lines of communication open.
• Be sensitive to each other's feelings.
• Respect one another, despite differences in opinions.
• Do not hold on to the past or judge their decisions. We all make mistakes, and each slip-up provides an opportunity for a life lesson.
• Don't blame one another. Blame is not always necessary and it's often unhelpful.
• Decide that your relationship with your child or parent is more important than most disagreements.  
• Learn good listening skills. This is something that can improve all our relationships, not just with an adult child. Most of us, myself included, are thinking about our answer while the other person is talking. We aren't truly listening to what they have to say.

Finally, decide that a healthy relationship is more important than the disagreements. Do you want to score points and win the argument while losing the war? Accept each other, the acceptance will gain you a much better shot at having the healthy, nurturing, and loving relationship you desire.